life.

The last blog was pretty intense. But, I'm feeling better now. Like waking up after a horrible nightmare. I had no idea what to do. The best thing is hanging out with friends and talking about it. It will never go away the other way around. Everything will resolve its self. Sometimes you want to give up, but you have to keep fighting. Get through things. It will be wonderful when it's over. Everything will be the way it was supposed to. Bad things happen for a good reason sometimes. To make one stronger. You also have to get through the bad to get to the good.

Breaking Barriers

Life has been crazy lately. The weird part is that I haven't been trying to contribute to it. Most people who are vexed in situations walk in to them knowing that it will probably happen. they are bored and want a little entertainment. I don't like situational entertainment, as funny as it can be. I don't feel strongly about anything this semester. Except for my grades of course. I don't have much time to spare. Most the guys that like me are either assholes or annoying. I can't think of even one person I'd even want to go to formal with. If I even go to formal, I don't even feel like dishing out for a cool dress. I started off with the idea of getting a black Betsey Johnson party dress and had a list of people I'd consider going with. None of it seems appealing or important anymore. I'm more of a realist now, than an optimist. Listening to Elliott Smith doesn't make it much better either. Perception isn't reality. Reality is reality. Perception is blinding. Believing the false. I'm not a shiny robot that vomits sunshine anymore. I'm human. My friend heard me cry at 10 a.m. this morning. It was the first time and I never cry. She realized that I do have a heart. I don't want one. It's a weakness and I see it as a flaw. I don't want to be able to express emotion. I want to be like the Greek statues. They look calm and in control. While I'm feeling like the Hellenistic period inside. I also hate that I care so much about what everyone thinks. It's important for me to be perfect. That's stupid. There's no such thing. I have no logic. How's that.

Music Therapy

Today should be a bad day. My English teacher gave me an insane quiz, there weren't any hours available for me at the Hispanic Cultural Center(so I'm still an unemployed American), someone made me feel awkward, I don't have my phone, but I'm alright.

While I was finishing up my sports broadcasting paper, I started feeling the way I did when I was on that allergy medicine. There was even a little bit of hate in my heart. I was bitter. Then I went to the broadcasting studio, that was empty. Recording starts next week. So, I killed an hour and a half playing my harmonica in the practice rooms. I learned some new stuff. It didn't even feel that long. I thought maybe half an hour had passed. Once I left the room I felt okay again. Like nothing is happening and nothing is going on. Why stress over something I have no control over.

I fixed myself up this morning and had my eyes to the sky. Today crumbled on me and I'm playing in the rubble. Life isn't perfect. It's more fun that way. I'm not a robot.

Depression Hurts.

Okay, so you guys are going to think I'm totally lame. But, I started off this semester with depression. I had no idea. I had trouble sleeping, haven't been as social, have been feeling anxious, guilty, and worried. This should be an amazing semester. I have incredible friends, a new found love(harmonica), and an awesome schedule. Did I mention that my resolution from last semester has been put into action? I found the root cause to my depression. It was a side effect from allergy pills. I'd rather let my sinuses suffer and be back to my laid back optimistic self. I noticed it getting really bad last night when I ran out on a date and then today when I was paranoid in my classes. I could hardly take notes. Now I'm trying to boost my seratonin. Listening to music, cleaning, blogging, and maybe I'll get some chocolate. I just talked to my mom. Nothing is more comforting than her voice. I also emailed my Dad who is in Iraq twice. Not updating him eats me alive.

Spring Semester Playlist

1. Love Today- MIKA
2. Here Comes My Baby- Cat Stevens
3. Lullaby- Shawn Mullins
4. Dreams- The Cranberries
5. Turn On Me- The Shins
6. You Know So Well- Sondre Lerche
7. Dear Prudence- Sean Lennon
8. Something Pretty- Patrick Park
9. Heart of Gold- Niel Young
10.Nobody Told Me- John Lennon
11.Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want- The Smiths
12.I Never- Rilo Kiley
13.Linger- The Cranberries
14.Valentine- The Get Up Kids
15.Jenny, You're Barely Alive- Rilo Kiley
16.If You Leave- O.M.D.
17.No Such Thing- John Mayer
18.Man of Constant Sorrow- Bob Dylan
19.We are Nowhere and It's Now- Bright Eyes
20.My Own Worst Enemy- Lit

Cashmere Mafia

Sunday night I tuned in to watch Cashmere Mafia. It was not a show about a female mob like I had hoped. Yet, it was still amazing. It's a show about 4 women in New York who hold powerful positions in the work place. It opens up as kind of a female dream. Overcoming the struggle. Being sexy, rich, and powerful. The main character Mia(Lucy Liu) gets engaged. Well, she and her boyfriend work together and are competing for a big position and the loser gets dropped. Juliet seems happily married to her hot husband Davis and seems happy with their "sex schedule"... later finds out he is sleeping with a women in their neighborhood. Juliet later tells him at a social gathering that she knows and that she'll be taking a lover. Mia finds out that she got the job and her ego-bruised man breaks the engagement. It's new night is Wednesday at 9pm on ABC.

yeah

I know I haven't blogged everyday. But, I can have only so many resolutions and blogging isn't that important. So I'm dropping this one. There isn't much going on. School starts next week and I finally found out my grades. They were amazing. I am getting my hair cut today because I have been neglecting it. I want to get it cut like this.My hair is way too long and this is long enough to work for me. Or I might go for something more like this.Either way it will be more manageable.

So, how about that Britney Spears breakdown? My mom keeps making excuses for her. I know that she didn't get to have that much fun growing up or whatever, but she's 26 and has 2 kids. She needs to change her idea of fun or get a nanny. She also keeps blaming stuff on the paparazzi. Paris Hilton has been under that light all her life and she turned out fine... compared to Britney. Justin is lucky he gotta out of there.

Desperate Housewives tonight. Brand new episode. Yay. Also a new series. Cashmere Mafia. It looks like it will be one of my shows too. Sunday nights on ABC is where it's at. I hate that Greys comes on at the same time as The Office. I also haven't seen 2 and a half Men in a while.

I'm done.

Bending Notes

So far I have been following up on one New Years resolution. The harmonica. I love it. Today I taught myself how to play Heart of Gold, Piano Man, and Tears in Heaven.
I played for hours. It didn't even seem like a chore. I think I have a new hobby.