Who are you??

So after I wrote my last blog a couple days ago I went to this latino shadow meeting. I then got invited to an International Club meeting. I met so many people. I met people from Spain, Zembabwe, England, Jamaica, Sweden, and Korea. I really liked them. Everyone was so friendly. I wasn't invisible anymore. It was really excited. I finally felt the way I did before I came here and let my guard down.

Yesterday was shadow day. We all met up at lunch. I met this cool girl who goes to my school and we made arrangements for a party last night. Finally, I won't be in my dorm all night... again. I looked nice but I didn't want to look like I was trying too hard. You know by dressing like a whore or something. I met some nice people but I met a couple assholes too.

(Just because I have a cup of hunch punch in my hand doesn't mean I'm drunk.)

I saw this guy who had a polo sweater just like mine, except mine had a magenta horse. I tried to introduce myself and told him I liked his sweater because I had the same one. Then he asked me where I transferred from and I said Tennessee. Then he was like eww. Tennessee and walked off. That was really awkward and rude.

Their having another party like that next Thursday. I am so going to be there... in my sweater. Just so he knows I wasn't trying to make conversation. I really do have that sweater. Oh yeah, you have to wear polo and northface to fit in there anyway. I'll look too weird in a jcrew sweater and 7 jeans. I can't forget my wallabees. I'd be excommunicated without those.

Stephanie is coming up today and we're going to the Barista's party. They'll probably be more chill. I'm glad she'll be there for me to socialize with. I wouldn't want to be forced to make conversation with people that know their attractive. Just so they can make me feel inadequate.

Walking On Matchsticks

Things are progressively getting a little better than the last blog. After I wrote that I went to the local coffee shop to get caffinated and finish a little drawing assignment. In the process, I got invited to a party by the gorgeous barista. Finally, I can get a start on my social life outside of my residence hall. While I was finishing us my little drawings a couple girls were standing over my shoulder looking. I turned around and one of them sarcastically said, "Nice Drawing". Then they walked away chuckling. That is so dumb. How are you gonna go to a local coffee shop and try to put down someone who is doing something creative? Go drink coffee with your grandmother. I wish I wasn't in shock. I could have really made her feel dumb. But a little after I got my handmade map to the party. That they probably weren't invited to because they're dumb bitches. They were also boring looking. After that I watched a movie with some new neighbors. I also did the same last night.

I ate lunch alone the past couple days. Dinner alone yesterday. When I walk places people get in my space and expect me to move and they are coming from all sorts of directions. The space shifts around me like a pinball in a storm. It's getting uncomfortable and annoying. I'm the only one forced to walk crazy. Maybe I should shove someone back so then people will quit. They do it around me, but they respect each others space.

Today the peope around me in French were talking to me. One of them I met on the first movie night. She's hilarious and fun to be around. The other two girls were pretty nice. In 3D Design we started building sculptures with hot glue and tooth pics. I'm working on a giant matchstick wreath. I had to find a seat with an outlet. Ofcourse there was one right by this guy who looked like Johnny Depp in Crybaby sitting alone. I jacked that seat before any of the other girls could think about it.

So heres what I've learned. Just because I'm new doesn't mean I have to keep quiet and let people walk all over me. But one of my resolution was to not be a bitch this year. So next time someone makes fun of me for doing something creative, I might at least crack a sarcastic smile and say Thanks. Maybe, even brag about it. Or ask them a hard artsy question to make them feel out of place. And I might shove someone if they get too far into my space. I know they'd do the same to me. I'm tired of walking in zig zags.

All By Myself

Right now I'm feeling pretty lonely and not like myself. When I walk through the crowds of kids in the dining hall who know each other I feel like a shadow. Not even that, completely invisible. No one knows who I am, why should one care. I am no longer BOOM! I am now some girl. Not even an exceptional or gorgeous girl. The girls here are so perfect. I'm just alright looking. But,not someone who should be chased down or complimented. I feel numb. Not depressed. I also feel like I just started a game of Sims. I just put my space together. I'm getting to know my environment and I have to impress everyone. I can't walk around the dorm with my hair looking scraggly and dark circles under my eyes. People might think I have a problem. Since when do I care?? Since I have no one here to have my back. I try to tag along but I get left behind. Then I awkwardly exit with a bitter smile on my face.

I ate dinner alone last night. I would have eaten lunch alone if all the tables weren't full. I just hate being that random person.

Not So Scared.

I went to orientation this past Thursday. this school is like a dream. Our Art building is open 24 hours!? Need I say more. I still haven't talked to any collegues. I had the opportunity. But, I didn't take it. I was too shy. There are a lot of new people. So That makes me feel more at ease. My best friend is coming down to visit on MLK weekend. I'm preety excited. I go back tomorrow. I'll let you guys know how that goes.

Butterflies.

Right now, I am feeling dizzier than before the first time I gave blood. Sure I said I'd be fine and make friends in a snap. But latley, my mind keeps asking questions that I can't answer. I'm not the same person my friends knew at Austin Peay. I was secure, confident, and no one messed with me. I had not one... but several different groups of buddies. If I was bored.. it didn't take me long to find out what was going on. My first semester there the other froshes texted me asking about parties. I was a socialite.

But, now I'm going to a new school. I do miss my friends. But that isn't what worries me. What worries me is not knowing anyone. Not one person. I am not the same. I am painfully shy. The only way I'd talk to anyone is if they talked to me first or if we had to for an in class assignment. I hate being alone. My partner in crime isn't with me. I know I can't replace her. I don't know the downlow here. I used to be El Capitan and the Ringleader. Now I'm just the shy and probably very lost new girl.

GCSU has a beautiful and inviting campus. But they building are big, intimidating, and I don't know which subjects are taught in which buildings. I went on Tuesday and was excited. The administrators were much nicer and more helpful than the ones at my old school. I also applied for a job at a couple paces. The town is little and neat. But, those first days are going to be strange and awkward. There is no avoiding that.

Why Georgia? Why??

My friends have been asking me this a lot lately. I'm transferring. It's also not a death sentance. GC&SU is an awesome school. They have fencing, archery, and lacross. Also it's not like I'm giving up my friends. We are adults... we drive, text, and have facebook. I like Georgia. They have some of the best art programs, museums, and internships. By the time I graduate and have money to make art the market should be better anyway. So people will buy instead of look.

I'm also thinking about dropping my ed minor. I am tired of school. It will take me too long for just a Bachelor. I also haven't taken any yet so I'm not compromised. I want to just finish up as soon as I can. There are a lot of other jobs out there anyway. I guess I'm afraid if I get a "real job" that I'll get stuck doing those things instead of what I really want to do. It takes a lot of time to put pieces together.

I also keep getting sidetracked. Yesterday I wanted to be a professional ukelele player. Last semester I wanted to start a Peter, Paul, & Mary tribute band. I wanted to be a U.S. Senator the year before. My freshman year I wanted to be Katie Couric and finished in 9th to become her intern. It's hard for me to take life seriously.

Sleep Deprivation Leads to...

In my first adult tantrum I kind of broke my phone and my hand. I had already talked to my roommate about how I don't want to sleep with the tv on and she seemed to have understood. She still turns in on after I fall asleep. Wtf?? That is the worse time. Ruin the whole point of me sleeping early just to take away hours. I turned it off. But an hour and a half later she turned it back on. Goodness. Once she left the room I knew there was no going back. I tried to achieve 9 hours last night and only received 5. I lost my shit at 7 in the morning. I don't even know how my hand got fractured. I was like an angry zombie. I went incredible hulk on my side of the room. My phone screen is smashed and I lost the battery. I don't even care about anything anymore. Just getting sleep and I can't even get that. I'm talking the the RHD again. I am broken and defeated inside. I really need some rest. I don't even have strep anymore and I still feel awful.